Don't think we will ever get back now, gotta give it to her though, she was the only one who understood me. I watched her deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too. it gives me so much understanding and hope for my relationship. BPD is also sometimes known as 'emotionally unstable personality disorder', but even that label feels somewhat prejudiced to me. I am so thankful that they seem to get it. I am sorry you didn't have a choice. Once calm, the family can together have an open discussion and achieve setting small goals for the person with BPD. I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. Thanks for sharing. I know someone with BPD and reading the blogs of people who have BPD and are writing their inner thoughts help me to understand what is going through the mind of someone who has BPD. Your lack of emotional control leads you to damage your relationships, leading people to walk away from it, which exacerbates the abandonment issues that are a part of your disorder. Zahra Navabi*, a 20-year-old student diagnosed with BPD around July 2020, has always struggled with her mental health, her perception of herself, and her relationship with her emotions. Thank you so much for your honesty and strength. Use non-judgmental words to describe our behaviours. It was both painful and hopeful to read it. We use cookies to let us know when you visit our websites, how you interact with us, to enrich your user experience, and to customize your relationship with our website. Which has had a negative impact in my own life and relationships. I just want to Scream at the both of them saying how the hell can you both do this!!!!???? Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. Honestly, I don't think this letter is helpful, or should have been addressed to the children of BPD's for a few reasons. It can easily end up feeling hopeless and you feel helpless. I can't believe they still employ me (which reminds me I'm am Thee master of self-sabatoge)Every day I am paranoid, anxious, overwhelmed. But that will only happen if others that share in the experience find this and share it with others. All in all today I am successfull in all that I set my mind on to do. This is my second year in DBT. I really appreciate all of the kind, encouraging words you've offered here. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a severe, complex illness that is marked by frequent mood changes, an unstable self-image and intense, unbalanced relationships. , I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. I have been inspired by people here and I want to share my experiences with everyone as well! A person with BPD may have the inability to view others more realistically as a mix of good and bad qualities. We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstancesand we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you. Debbie, Hi Kat thank you so much for sharing. I did get committed here. The roots of abuse in BPD, particularly in intimate significant other relationships with Non-Borderlines have their genesis in the borderline's re-living of this deep intra-psychic pain. An open letter from those with BPD Jul 15, 2019 An Open Letter to People who do Not have Borderline Personality Disorder from Those of Us who Do Click here to watch the Video Transcript: Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, Thank you for being who you are. Its not your fault. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.). My mother does want to help her, but she won't help herself. I accept the consequences of my actions and how they have affected you, I didnt realize then how much it affected me too. Your email address will not be published. Doing a lot of reading keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims. And most importantly, maybe I had a chance to get better. My dad likely has BPD too because my mother lived through 30 years of marriage with this. I have a wife and a Daughter who both have BPD wanting to die and both are in Psych Wards. I know its because you had to. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. Linda, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts, as they will no doubt help others who read this post and scroll down to see your comment. I couldnt talk to you then, and I cant really talk to you now. In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted. I'm on many meds. Should I also even bother being a counselor if I am like this? Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident. Open Letter To All With BPD A.J. Explore the different options for supporting our mission. An open letter to family and friends regarding the person they know with Borderline Personality Disorder, Manipulative, attention-seeking, dramatic, broken, crazy. Australia. Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! From someone that has been through it it means a lot. You never know thoughit could end up being really helpful to hear from others who are going through the very same things as you. Thank you very much for your perspective. Every single time you embrace my stable days when I'm the peachiest version of me you ever get to experience. This letter might help on the explaining part, but the latter? Its that extreme. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. I love this person, but the situation can be so hurtful. I don't think it is heartless that you've chosen to put your family first and set boundaries that is healthy! BPD is characterized by rapidly fluctuating moods, an unstable sense of self, impulsiveness, and a lot of fear. My BPD finance left me VERY suddenly, moved out while I was away, blocked me from phone contact, email contact, unfriended me on FB and other social media, sucessfully compelled her family and friends to do the same and even had a lawyer friend threaten me with a restraining order for calling her from a hotel phone twice! I refuse to believe it. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we dont have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways. I just wish more people were aware of how damaging the things they say really are to anyone with any kind of mental illness. I walked away so she wouldnt have to deal with that; because no one should have to. I miss you all and us so much. Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. . She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. Unfortunately, many kids of BPD's become BPD themselves because they learn the thought patterns, behaviors, and unstable feelings as a normal way to be. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. Its difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you dont have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you. I open my doors. You know what it's like, in a way that no therapist does, to live with BPD day in and day out. I admire all of you, everyone of you, that can speak out! Thanks for giving others hope by being a partner who is interested in learning more about his girlfriend's condition, and please also be sure to use very good self-care and seek support for YOU, too. If there is a problem with our website, please contact us here, 2023 Sanctuary Support Group | Designed by, Debbie Corso had BPD and has recovered. She is also using emotional blackmail, saying if I divorce her it would kill her. You remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to goth, all to fit in with a group dressing like them, styling their hair like them, using the same mannerisms? I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. I'm hoping it will help myself and also my husband out. September 14, 2018, 3:53 PM. I was so considerate and walked over again and again. I am sorry for blaming you. this doesn't work for everyone, at all. SANE Helpline. Impulsive behavior is a primary symptom of BPD. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. So for the next two months she drove an hour each way to attend IOP. | by Marissa Young | Medium Write Sign up Sign In 500 Apologies, but something went wrong on our end. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. My significant other felt the same way as yours that therapy was a waste of time and money, until I finally showed progress and began getting better through DBT. I am not really able to offer guidance, as I am just a peer with the BPD diagnosis, but as I've recommended to another reader, you may want to contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. She's 30 years old. It is possible that something that you said or did triggered us. Anyway, other programs in the area (I was without work for awhile) want NOTHING to do with mental health issues. The following cookies are also needed - You can choose if you want to allow them: You can read about our cookies and privacy settings in detail on our Privacy Policy Page. I am scared that I am destroying my children, whom I love so very much. "Snap out of it". Thank you for taking the time to comment here. She has latched onto a fiction that I was mentally abusive towards her and refuses to co-parent in the interest of our son. However, looking back, all the signs were there, but I just didn't see them. Unskilled borderline sufferers can be a lot to handle and some BPD behaviors necessitate separation. Those 9 criteria and what this letter describes is sadly what i think it is like for someone to live with me. Debbie, Kelly, thank you so much for letting me know! This is the most dreaded Dx to come across according to my colleaguesif it was so bad, why would it be my problem? I am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this. I was diagnosed with BPD about seven years ago. When I was told what it was, I went home and researched everything I could about it. It's not your fault. As I read it I want to share it with my husband and daughter for starters but would love to share it to my DBT therapist and group.How do you feel about that? It can indeed be inspiring to read these stories. You have said all the things I've always wanted to say to the people who are or who have been in my life. very extreme that the relationship is badly skewed, and shouldn't go on. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. But one didas did my therapist. Your letter touches on a subject that my husband and I are taking to my therapist just this week. Ironic though since it was my family putting me through hell for years that caused me to develop BPD. She acts more like she's about 16 most of the time. Ive read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. They have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior. But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter). Yes, YOU can imagine. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. They see the behavior as maladaptive, as troubled, as abnormal. I would try to calm him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I won't give up on him. . I truly love her, but this is getting old real fast. The one thing I would add is that people with BPD need to recognize that no matter the rationale for their actions, they do hurt people, and hurt people have a right to their feelings as much as people with BPD have a right to their own feelings. Dear people, I have a professional translation of the letter in Dutch. I want to know that humanity can be beautiful. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. Thank you so much for this letter. Thank you so much for posting this. 4. On the resources page of. i was wondering if you could answer something for me though. I know that there are some less-than-helpful sites for Nons, and there are some Nons with some serious issues of their own. Distancing can also trigger all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the "BPD" partner (as described in #4). I am a male who's spent the last three and a half years dealing with a partner with BPD, do not give up, there are people who love you enough and are strong enough to deal/fight through this with you. It brought tears to my eyes. I know all the theory now. This blog was extremely helpful for me, and sincerely appreciate it. You can find even more stories on our Home page. Live life to the fullest. You are not the cause of our suffering. I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. I tried to cheer her up and I thought we ended the evening on amiable terms. By sharing your experience, you can let others know that they are not alone. My father had the ability, life experience, and the perspective needed to know this blame was unfounded. I hope we can be friends in time and partners in raising our son. I have no goals. Anxiety about relationships, making efforts to avoid being abandoned. I asked myself, how can someone with four beautiful children and a stunning wife feel this way? Intense Emotions: When Present Events Trigger Past Trauma. Tell us how mental illness has affected your life. I thank you for writing this. It's sort of comforting that she said that, because it confirms that I probably finally have the right diagnosis. I am sorry that my borderline personality disorder (BPD) got in the way of our family and us. I was seeing these people through a program that is now over. I mean, I know that makes me sound selfishand I am a lot more than I used to be. I may feel hopeless, but I dont want other people to. While she was packing one day I played some Mavericks, southwestern country music I thought she would enjoy because that's where she is from. But you say it is possible to recover to heal have hope and a normal life. Even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic. Punishment and revenge are central to the manifestation of what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is and means when it comes to relationships. Yes, I live in my fathers house, but we barely speak, and I harbor so my anger toward him that sometimes I cant talk to him because I dont know what awful words could come out of my mouth. I tried to help her by pleading not to go back to the guy after he choked her (!!!) My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved ones condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. However, when they are presented in a manner as if the struggle somehow evaporates at the end is not logical, because life is never so linear. You can also change some of your preferences. You might feel like you're being held hostage . We were always extremely close, until she got involved in a highly stressful abusive relationship. This was very well thought out and appreciated. People with BPD may experience just a few or all of these common signs and symptoms: Extreme or unstable emotions. In my experience, one of the most effective ways of doing this is to find someone who as gone through the DBT treatment to share some of their experiences with potential or new clients. I figured it out, but only through trial, error, therapy, a good online support group and a lot of introspection and self-care on my part. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. Yes, it's good to have a job so that i'm out of the house and not laying in bed all day. Your letter really helped us become closer, as it explained some things in a way that I cannot yet. I've had many pschiatrists and most never mentioned BPD. But for what it's worth you're brave for writing this letter, and i hope for the people who are genuinely affected by this condition, they are heard supported and loved as they definitely don't need anymore shit. I pray that she is able to find a place where you are now. , I am so glad that this letter has helped you find some more compassion and understanding for your daughter. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. I hurt you again and my fear of abandonment means Im searching for a different outcome each time. We all receive different care and information from professionals and those around us, information has never been so easily accessible. As the friend of someone with BPD, it's helpful to be as consistent as possible with what you say and do. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." She emailed me later saying that it was passive aggressive behavior and that she "gets it" I am the one who ended it. 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